I Got Off the Pill (20 Years Later)

I tapered off my antidepressant medication. The result was…amazing!

The first miracle was in my early 40's - about 20 years ago.

I was depressed. Seriously depressed. In fact, I have to assume that for most of my life, I was clinically depressed because I was always living under a dark cloud, from my earliest memories.

Because I didn't actually know better, all those years I just managed and coped - but then I hit a wall of darkness and discouragement. I finally went to a doctor and told him about my state of mind/mood. I decided to drop the mask of self-sufficiency and see if an antidepressant would help.

Three days later, I woke up a new man. No exaggeration. I felt a sense of peace and unforced happiness - or at least not awfulness - that was totally new to me. In fact, it was such a radical change that I didn't trust it at first. "Surely this can't be real - the clouds will descend again."

They didn't. I had had a serious biochemical imbalance most of my life, and the magic pill put me on a whole different level of mood (and function).

So, for 20 years or so, I just stayed on that pill with gratefulness. I didn't anticipate ever stopping, and I no longer cared about my precious self-sufficiency. Healing is good!

However, in recent years, with God's help, I've made significant strides in my spiritual, emotional, and psychological health (including finally starting to conquer some obsessive patterns of negative self-talk).

And I began to wonder - do I still need that pill? And what about the known side effects - could those be holding me back in some way?

So, I made the decision to do a controlled experiment. I held my breath and started to taper down the pills week by week. If I slid backward, I could always restart - but I wanted to know.

You know - I needed clarity.

I figured that the best-case scenario would be that I could get off the medication and feel "OK." That would be a big win.

Short version: as I got off the medication, I began feeling a burst of energy and joy that was absolutely flabbergasting. And it has endured. Turns out that the pill had had its wonderful impact for the season that I needed it, but it was actually holding me down now that I'd reached a healthier place and no longer needed it.

I used to need a nap just about every day. No more. I thought that was just from “getting old.” Maybe it was actually a side effect!

Once again, I needed to wait for some weeks to make sure this was "for real." It's for real. And if you've interacted with me during the past few weeks, you've likely noticed the change in liveliness and happiness. Steve 3.0 I guess?

I'll take miracles any way I can get them, pill or no pill. It's good to be fully alive!

(and, of course, this disclaimer: I am not a doctor and don't play one on TV. My experience is mine alone, and nothing I have done or written constitutes medical advice for others.)

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